fighting with the one

Being in love is such a good feeling. Being in love with the right one is even better.  Don’t take the word “one” so literally.  Many  of  us  have  been  in  love  more than once  and  in  retrospect,  not  all  of  them  were  right.  In  a  perfect  world,  the  good  ones  would  have  a  stamp  on  their  hands  or  trumpets  sounding  when  they  enter  a  room. They don’t but there’s something to say about just knowing when someone is good for you. You feel happy the majority of the time. You’re with someone that respects you and treats you the way you should be treated. Now that you’ve found the one, you’re going to need to know how to fight.

Oh come on you didn’t think there was actually someone out there that you were never going to fight with did you? Of course you are going to fight. All couples do. It’s how you communicate through these arguments that will make or break you. First there are some things to note that make arguments with the right person different.

There is  a  common  appreciation  for  each  other.  Appreciation  is  something  we  acquire  after  we’ve  had  a  taste  of  disappointment.  We  appreciate  the  good  qualities  in  people  and  when  they  make  us  feel  good  and  appreciated  back.  Appreciation  is  the  OM  in  a  relationship.  A  peaceful  sigh  and  sense  of  relief  that  you  are  in  a  safe  place. When you have this feeling for someone, you’re less likely to nit-pick things about them.  You  don’t  fight  for  the  sake  of  fighting.  “What  do  you  want  to  eat  for  dinner?”  “Jelly  beans.” “Cool,  me  too.”

There’s less to fight about because you  both  like  the  same  things.  You  both  enjoy  horror  movies  or  90’s  rock  music.  You  like  to  play  Super  Mario  on  Saturdays  and  eat  Mexican  on  Tuesdays.  Of  course  you’re  not  going  to  have  everything  in  common  and  it’s  good  to  have  diversity,  but  being with someone  who  enjoys  something  as  much  as  you  do  is  exciting  and  fun  to  share  together.  It’s  easier  to  get along when you naturally agree on things. When you don’t agree, accepting each others differences is key.

You  respect  each  other.  Respect  is  an  important  thing  that  we  sometimes  look  over  in  our  dream  list  of  qualities.  When  there  is  mutual  respect  for  one  another,  it  will  show  when  you  argue,  when  you’re  apart  from  each  other,  and  in  day  to  day  courtesy.  It’s  important  to  learn  that  you  can  be  angry  with  someone  and  still  respect  them,  this  will  keep  a  lot  of  arguments  from  turning  into  a  war.  It’s  also  important  when  there’s  no  lock  on  your  bathroom  door.  Respect.  Thank  you.    You  sense  loyalty  from  your  partner.  Loyalty  is  everything  in  life.  Having  loyalty  to  those  that  matter  is  a  quality  I  wish  the  world  had.  It’s  comforting  to  know  your  partner  will  be  true  to  you  and  visa  versa.  Do  they  speak  highly  of  you  to  their  friends  and  family?  Keep  their  word?  Are  supportive  and  accountable?  Think  of  your  dog.  Do  you  they  love  you  like  your  dog  does?  That’s  loyalty. When you feel someone is on your side, you won’t fight with them as you would if they felt like an enemy.

You  feel  happy.  Not  everyday  will  be  perfect,  but  if  you  can  say  that  you’re  completely  happy  75%  of  the  time,  that’s  a  good  place  to  be  in.  There  has  to  be  wiggle  room  for  arguing  over  the  remote  when  the  Housewives  are  on  amongst  other  common  foolery.  You  should  smile  and  laugh  with  your  partner  at  some  point  in  the  day  every  day.  When  you  feel that happy, you’re focused on that feeling.

For the times you don’t agree, and those times will come, remember that not everything is worth an argument. Compromise with each other. Let things go. Save the arguments for things that truly matter. CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES. Bite your tongue once in a while. When the consideration, appreciation, respect, and compatibility is there, this is an easy thing to master. When you struggle with this, try these strategies:

  • Take an hour or two to cool down.
  • Don’t let your anger fuel an argument. Act out of love.
  • When you have taken that time apart to think, sit down and take turns in a conversation about the issue. You both need to be heard and have an understanding of the problem.
  • Regain self control. Think about what you say before you say it. Don’t just grab your keys and walk out for a reaction.
  • Understand that it may not be the time to have a rational conversation.
  • Apologize, but only when your behavior warrants an apology.
  • Evaluate the problem. What is the root of the argument? Is it a pattern? Write down what you argued over and see how many times this issue comes up.
  • Find a solution together through communication.

At the end of the day, love each other. Accept each other. Remember each other’s conversations and learn from mistakes. Let yourself feel the happiness with this person. Being strong enough to not let things from the past or small stuff get in between the two of you will keep your relationship strong. Having the realistic expectation that the two of you will fight, and that it will be okay, will make those arguments that much easier.

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More about Erika Lauren

Erika Lauren is a Boston born French girl spending her days as a workin girl and dog mom, and her nights as a nocturnal writer. She's a content creator for The Haute Mess, XOJane, and Email:

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