Being in love is such a good feeling. Being in love with the right one is even better. Don’t take the word “one” so literally. Many of us have been in love more than once and in retrospect, not all of them were right. In a perfect world, the good ones would have a stamp on their hands or trumpets sounding when they enter a room. They don’t but there’s something to say about just knowing when someone is good for you. You feel happy the majority of the time. You’re with someone that respects you and treats you the way you should be treated. Now that you’ve found the one, you’re going to need to know how to fight.
Oh come on you didn’t think there was actually someone out there that you were never going to fight with did you? Of course you are going to fight. All couples do. It’s how you communicate through these arguments that will make or break you. First there are some things to note that make arguments with the right person different.
There is a common appreciation for each other. Appreciation is something we acquire after we’ve had a taste of disappointment. We appreciate the good qualities in people and when they make us feel good and appreciated back. Appreciation is the OM in a relationship. A peaceful sigh and sense of relief that you are in a safe place. When you have this feeling for someone, you’re less likely to nit-pick things about them. You don’t fight for the sake of fighting. “What do you want to eat for dinner?” “Jelly beans.” “Cool, me too.”
There’s less to fight about because you both like the same things. You both enjoy horror movies or 90’s rock music. You like to play Super Mario on Saturdays and eat Mexican on Tuesdays. Of course you’re not going to have everything in common and it’s good to have diversity, but being with someone who enjoys something as much as you do is exciting and fun to share together. It’s easier to get along when you naturally agree on things. When you don’t agree, accepting each others differences is key.
You respect each other. Respect is an important thing that we sometimes look over in our dream list of qualities. When there is mutual respect for one another, it will show when you argue, when you’re apart from each other, and in day to day courtesy. It’s important to learn that you can be angry with someone and still respect them, this will keep a lot of arguments from turning into a war. It’s also important when there’s no lock on your bathroom door. Respect. Thank you. You sense loyalty from your partner. Loyalty is everything in life. Having loyalty to those that matter is a quality I wish the world had. It’s comforting to know your partner will be true to you and visa versa. Do they speak highly of you to their friends and family? Keep their word? Are supportive and accountable? Think of your dog. Do you they love you like your dog does? That’s loyalty. When you feel someone is on your side, you won’t fight with them as you would if they felt like an enemy.
You feel happy. Not everyday will be perfect, but if you can say that you’re completely happy 75% of the time, that’s a good place to be in. There has to be wiggle room for arguing over the remote when the Housewives are on amongst other common foolery. You should smile and laugh with your partner at some point in the day every day. When you feel that happy, you’re focused on that feeling.
For the times you don’t agree, and those times will come, remember that not everything is worth an argument. Compromise with each other. Let things go. Save the arguments for things that truly matter. CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES. Bite your tongue once in a while. When the consideration, appreciation, respect, and compatibility is there, this is an easy thing to master. When you struggle with this, try these strategies:
- Take an hour or two to cool down.
- Don’t let your anger fuel an argument. Act out of love.
- When you have taken that time apart to think, sit down and take turns in a conversation about the issue. You both need to be heard and have an understanding of the problem.
- Regain self control. Think about what you say before you say it. Don’t just grab your keys and walk out for a reaction.
- Understand that it may not be the time to have a rational conversation.
- Apologize, but only when your behavior warrants an apology.
- Evaluate the problem. What is the root of the argument? Is it a pattern? Write down what you argued over and see how many times this issue comes up.
- Find a solution together through communication.
At the end of the day, love each other. Accept each other. Remember each other’s conversations and learn from mistakes. Let yourself feel the happiness with this person. Being strong enough to not let things from the past or small stuff get in between the two of you will keep your relationship strong. Having the realistic expectation that the two of you will fight, and that it will be okay, will make those arguments that much easier.
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