Originally published on The Haute Mess | September 4th, 2015
If you stereotyped me, shopping would be a thing that I love to do.
I hate shopping, at least I hate shopping for shoes and clothes, especially at the mall. I had a very long conversation with my sister on the way to the mall today. It was my third trip to the mall in eight days time, all because I am fresh out of tops. Yes, I don’t have any shirts to wear. I have something from 2007 and something with pit stains and a turtle neck sweater from 2007, probably with pit stains, not appropriate for 80 degree weather, and that’s about it. Every morning I dread getting dressed.
I’m beginning to look like a character from a cartoon, dresses the same way all day every day. I feel sadness and rage when I look into my closet. “DAMN IT” I yell, hoping something will appear in front of me, but to no avail. I’ve even considered leaving the house in only a bra and jeans. “Sorry, no shirts to wear today! I don’t care!” I’ll be the neighborhood maniac that doesn’t wear a top and yells about it every morning on her way out the door. I’ll come to my senses around noon and put on one of my thousand cardigans that I keep in the car. I’ll come home in bra and open cardigan, hiding my face, and run in to change into slippers and a different sweater like I’m freakin’ Mr. Rogers.
Why don’t I have any shirts? Because this generation in fashion does not support boobs. That’s why. I wish I could go shopping in 2005 when everyone was obsessed with boobs and if you had them, you looked great in everything. Everything was tight and figure fitting back then. I had 34 C’s then. I have 34 DD’s now. If there was ever a time for form-fitting clothing to be in surplus, it is now.
However, there are only two styles that exist in this lovely era. One of which started sneaking in about five years ago and won’t fucking leave. This style is loose, baggy, flowing shit. I believe it was invented to hide muffin top. I believe it was a page taken out of a maternity clothing catalog. It’s ugly and it sucks if you have big boobs. Everything tents off my boobs making me look pregnant or forty pounds heavier than I actually am. There is nothing flattering about that.
I went to the Gap the other day, a store that isn’t quite my style but I was desperate and felt it was reliable for regular, solid colored shirts. I grabbed a handful of shirts in their smallest size, XS. A very loud roar came from my dressing room a moment later. Why the hell is this baggy on me? Why is this short-sleeved “favorite tee” dubbed top look like I stuck my arms out of a pillow case? This is an XS. And I am by no means magazine skinny, this should not be big on me! What the hell is everyone smaller than me wearing from this store? I fucking hate this style! Why do we keep buying into this look? Where are my other thin big boobed friends shopping? In your closet from seven years ago I am sure. As much as I’ve tried to like this horrid fit for the sake of having a clean non pilled top, I hate it, BUT it is not nearly as bad as option two. The cropped top.
Why the heck are we wearing cropped tops? I am 26 years old with a divot in my stomach from my jeans button for a decade, I am not even trying that on. I’m not trying to show off the bakery rolls I sport nor did I just get my belly button pierced and want everyone to know about it. This is crazy. And there are many options of crop top. Half a shirt, a quarter of a shirt, a strapless bra with some trim, oh there’s one that mixes both wretched styles; a crop top in the front but long and flowy in the back! YES PERFECT. I go to pick up a cute top that’s folded on a table in the boutique and I wonder where the rest of it is. Did it unravel? Was there a goat in here snacking? This is a cute shirt, where is the rest of it?
Just as my aggravation starts to boil over a group of teens stroll in. Two are wearing crop tops and one is wearing the flowing crop top. A mom walks in a few steps behind in a gigantic button down blouse. I want to point my finger and scold them. ‘You. This is all your fault. I’m here in a BRA and SHAWL because I haven’t been able to buy a top in years.
I came home with one shirt in three different colors. It was a really small size to fit my body, but it barely fit my boobs. I had to do something before I became the crazy neighbor or started a boob club. I hope these last me until next year.
Update* I wear crop tops now. I conformed. I had to. And I actually like them.
On that note. Here are a few tips to embracing the crop top
-Pair with high-waisted anything to show just a little and still feel comfortable. Baby steps!
-Match up! Wearing matching print bottoms with your crop top for a fun stylish look.
-Or don’t! Try a black top with a fun and colorful skirt, or visa versa.
-Be confident in your look. I always say it’s half what you got and half what you think you got. Own what you wear proudly and everyone will love it.
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