all the boys you’ll date

Dating is purely statistics. A numbers game. You have to kiss a number of frogs before you meet a prince.

Whenever my friends put themselves out there and it goes bad I say “Good! You’re one stepping stone closer to the prince!” Going into dating with this mindset gave me expectations I could work with. When you accept that there will be disappointment before reward, it feels way less hopeless. Plus, it gives you social skills and the occasional free dinner and company. These are the ten guys I dated that you are going to date too before you find your next boyfriend.

Jungle Gym– You’re going to be attracted to someone that is really, really physically fit. You’re going to want to climb them like a jungle gym. Then, he’s going to order a salad, stand you up for the gym, stare at themselves in the mirror as you speak, and chug muscle milk after you make out. And chug muscle milk after you make out. That had to be said twice. You’ll start to feel bad about eating and sleeping in on the weekends. That will be the straw that breaks. Bye.

Trouble– You’re going to agree to go out with someone that is no good for you. You’re going to know it from a mile away but do it anyway. This will be a person that tests your limits, pushes your boundaries, and may even cross some lines. It’s an experience meant for a good time, not a long time.

Dimples– You’re going to pursue your hot friend with the dimples that you’ve always crushed on just to completely reaffirm that you could never seriously date this guy. Seriously, it was intriguing but you know it will never go any further.

Mister Rogers– The older guy. I don’t know why but the older guys I’ve dated have always been the most aloof, have terrible game, and sometimes the most immature. He’ll make a lot of “dad jokes” and try to impress you with pop music that they know the words to. Ew just stop.

Thing 1 and Thing 2– You’re going to date two guys that are exactly the same. In my case it was two guys that had the same name, a lazy eye, and a crazy ex girlfriend. It’s inevitable that in some point in your journey you will encounter a duplicate of someone you already dismissed. Follow suit.

Mama’s Boy– This guy is a tad too innocent for you. He’s going to ask you “what’s up with your profile picture because… I went to show my mom what you looked like then decided it was probably too racy. My mom is my best friend. I can’t wait for you to meet her.” Maybe when I get Glamour Shots in a turtle neck that can happen.

Norman Bates– Oh yes girl, you’re going to date a fuckin psycho. I had gone on a few awesome dates with a guy I thought was perfect for me but then, shit got weird. I invited him over and he showed up with roses, which was great but then he told me he loved me and that he had gone ring shopping. When I asked him to leave he took off his shoes, curled up on my couch, and cried. Unfortunately, I dated a few maniacs, and you might too. When you see the signs… Run!

Jail bait– You’re going to date somebody younger than you, who makes you feel like the cool, hot older woman you are. Then he’s going to take you to Ruby Tuesdays and ask you what you’ve been doing with your life the past ten years since he doesn’t know anyone that’s been out of high school that long.

The Boy”- The boy is going to be the one you get so close to that your friends will refer to him as “the boy” when they talk to you. He will probably be the one before the one. You might even cry when it ends and want to throw in the dating towel for good. You will curse the dating gods wondering how the hell this guy wasn’t the perfect one for you, and then, you’ll meet your boyfriend.

When dating gets tough, hang in there! When you have a really bad date you’ll feel like running back to the one that broke you, or fusing to your couch and never dating again. Pick yourself back up and know that you’re one step closer! Dating is a great experience, it gets you to interact with different people, learn what you really want and don’t want, get to know yourself, and at the very least, entertain all of your friends.

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More about Erika Lauren

Erika Lauren is a Boston born French girl spending her days as a workin girl and dog mom, and her nights as a nocturnal writer. She's a content creator for The Haute Mess, XOJane, and Email:

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